Victimless Crimes

Before proceeding, I want you to know that this is not for children. If you are lacking hair below your eyebrows, then you need to stop reading.


Now.


Have you ever gone home, took seven shots of Jose Cuervo, un-zipped your pants, and proceeded to spank the monkey so violently you passed out...waking up only to the sound of pounding genitalia screaming out of the TV, making you aware that your dick is still out, limp and full of broken blood vessels?


Neither have I.


But what if I did? 


Would it worry you? Perhaps. Would it make you feel differently about me? Sure. 
But.
None of it hurts anybody. That’s why none of what I described is illegal.


So why should I have to regulate my behavior to adhere to laws that, quite frankly, shouldn't exist? I am confused when I hear about laws such as wearing a seat belt when I drive. I am confused when I hear that the police pull people over for not wearing a helmet when they ride a motorcycle. I am confused when the cop knocks on my window while I am being satisfied by a hooker named Coco Fondu, tells me to get out of the car, and arrests both the prostitute and my blue balls. 


What the HELL?


Don't get me wrong; not wearing a seat belt is stupid. 


Not wearing a helmet on a motorcycle is equally misguided. You wouldn't want to be the guy who crashes without a helmet and has to spend the rest of his life wearing one. That shit would blow.


And going to a prostitute is almost certainly a stupid idea...deploying your soldier into the ass of a whore who has seen more dick than a urinal is fucking retarded. I don't care if your Big Foot, you should still be able to score with the Abominable SnowWoman and not have to resort to plugging Rosie O'Donnell. 


Still, I think prostitution should be legal. Women have the right to sell their bodies…and men with ED have the right to feel loved. My history Instructor says “Let those girls unionize!” Get that no good, can’t get a job, impractical, pimptastical, dip-shit-pimp off the streets and into a federal work program. Those girls don’t need some guy covered in leopard print financially raping them. They get fucked enough. Get those hoes out of the alley and into a high quality brothel fit for the highest bidder. High-priced sex at night; low cost Obamacare check-up in the morning.


Seriously, tell me why the land of the free is still enforcing laws that criminalize victimless "crimes" like marijuana and prostitution. Why were laws instituted to prohibit these things? Oh yeah. Conservative morals; the old-fashioned, false, Christian perception that making something illegal will stop people from doing it.


Did you graduate from the 8th Grade?
Ok.
So tell me...what happens when you outlaw something that is in demand?


Black Market.


People who do drugs don't care if its illegal or not, they will still buy it and snort that shit up. People who are drug free don't say to themselves, "drugs are illegal. THAT is why I don't do them." No, a concerned parent might say that to their kids, but kids don't do drugs because, in almost every instance, they know it is mentally and physically unhealthy. The smart ones know this much, although they may be misinformed about drugs as a whole.


But a demand will always be there. So what happens when you make it illegal? Well, prohibition of alcohol way back when (in the 20's) did not stop steady consumption of alcohol. So what was the negative impact on society when a highly acclaimed product was made illegal? 


Crime.
Corruption.
Fucking Al Capone.


We see the same thing now. The percentage of U.S. citizens smoking marijuana is double that of the Netherlands, where it is decriminalized.


Hold on. Read that again.


Shocked? Confused? What? You didn’t believe me when I said people don’t give a shit if it is illegal?


People are buying the drugs, and it can’t be tracked. Drug dealers are supplying a product to the public that is brought into the country by outsiders. Drug cartels are making MILLIONS OF DOLLARS every year from sales. The country is losing money straight to criminals from a different country. Plus, these rival cartels kill their customers, kill each other, bribe our public servants, and…, and…, and…


Pot is the gateway drug. Pot dealers sell to teenaged kids, intentionally targeting those who can't multiply with a calculator and also selfishly hoard all the zits.  Naturally, these kids love the weed. So the drug dealer, being the businessman he is, tries to make more money. Let's face it, unless you’re moving a lot of product, marijuana is not a profitable item to sell. Therefore, a dealer will sell harder drugs for a better profit. These drugs are not for everyone. But some people travel to Sparta, see it's super badass, and give Athens a swift kick to the mast.


So how do we solve this psychedelic conundrum? Legalize it. Decriminalize it at least.


Plus, why the hell should anybody care if I'm smoking a bong in my house? It’s not a library. It’s my house. It’s not a daycare center. It’s my house. I can't walk down the street in the buff, legally; yet nobody cares if I work out every night -nude- in my friendly confines. So why wouldn’t it be ok to smoke in my house while I’m naked?


If I smoked, I wouldn’t catch "Reefer Madness" and shoot my neighbors. I wouldn't tell your kid to come to mi casa and light that ganja up like we're Cheech and Chong...or say if we smoke the wacky tobacky we can spend hours in a pineapple under the sea laughin and shootin the shit with a sponge. Responsible people should have the right to do what they please if they aren't hurting anyone else (such as their little munchkin children).


If some guy wants to drink 30 beers a night while watching reruns of Family Guy, let him. The general public should not adopt laws to stop this man from killing his liver. If he wants to drain his life away on a sofa in a state that resembles mental retardation, then that is his thoughtful decision. I just hope his family is planning to pull the plug.


First and foremost, that dude doesn't hurt my life in the slightest. In fact, I love the job he does cleaning up the bathroom at my McDonalds. Second, that fat bastard is probably subsidizing a beer company for expansion.


Something should be illegal only when it harms someone directly. The old eye for and eye still resinates in todays society. But taking out somebody’s eye because they smoked a joint is ridiculous. Why punish someone for an act that doesn’t have a negative affect on anyone else?


Some people like to smoke a pipe loaded with dank Purple Haze. 
Some people like to drink Captain Morgan until they shit gold.
Some people like to do neither and become belligerently boring. 


Example:


Let's say somebody eats Tostitos straight from the bag. You, on the other hand, buy the Fritos Jalapeño Cheddar dip that turns those bite size tortilla chips into a glorious blessing; a delicious golden wafer, divine enough to be served at the Lord's table every Sunday. So even though a sinner is eating straight out of the bag and has yet to be saved, don’t worry, you’re not the one going to hell. 


You both have different ways to eat your totilly awesome snack. So why would you force them to dip their chip when they yearn to dry their mouth with a plain one?  They aren't impeding on your right to slurp down that intoxicating Jalapeño Cheddar, are they?  Hold on. Why should either of you even give a shit?


I mean, you’re eating chip.


"Did you just try to compare Tostitos with drugs? Seriously?" How about stapling your lips shut, dickhead. Apparently you don't see the imperative link between drugs and Tostitos:


Choice.


You don't have to dip the chip. You don't have to eat the chip at all. It is YOUR choice. Uncle Sam shouldn't stick his middle finger in your face when you want to do something other than assimilate into the American assembly line. This is not the 1950's. So if you want to eat the whole bag...go ahead! Chug down a six-pack of Mountain Dew? Do it with a beer bong! Send pictures of it! Send proof that snorting pixie sticks is really your idea of a legendary Friday night. Cap it off by smoking a cigarette out of your poop chute. But don’t think you’re the first one to do it…


No. That is a conversation for another time.


The “Nanny State” implemented over the years needs to be taken apart. Your decisions should be YOURS. If you want to smoke, SMOKE. If you want to drink, DRINK. If you want to risk HIV, screw a hooker.


After all, you're an American. You should have the choice.


-Skitz
Join, or Die.

Thanks to those invaluable people and groups who helped me write my first official post:

Presidents: T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Nixon, Carter, Clinton, Bush, and Obama.

Felipe Calderó-your a jackass.

The FBN (Federal Bureau of Narcotics) and the DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency).

Most of all, William Randolph Hearst. Thanks for exemplifying corporate greed. Dick.

Follow up: 

First, I have never written anything so obscene in my life. And for that reason, I am proud. I am unapologetic for anything in here (sorry to the family). I had a few people proof read the first 200 words or so the night before I added on and edited parts of it. I got the impression from them it was funny. Of course, one is a U.S. Marine and those SOBs are nuts; and the other one didn’t understand my joke about a prostitute. Let me clarify; although I’m sure no one will read this post for weeks (probably ever), go ahead and be offended. But we should all remember to be thankful we don't have to write in boring ass spanish. Hasta pronto!