Why?: Avatar.

Before proceeding, I want you to know that this is not for children. If your still putting cookies out for Santa each Christmas Eve, you're either a child or retarded. In either case you need to stop reading.

Now.


While watching Avatar for the 26th time or so and started to wonder something.

Where are the hoes?

It must get lonely for a hired man living in Pandora. Sure there are some women, such as Trudy (Michelle Rodriguez), but even she isn't bad ass enough to handle all that sausage. And I know Ms. Dr. Grace isn't letting those military guys chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo on her after they shoot up the Na'vi. So what is a pent up, fertile man to do? I mean, humping your hand can only work for so long. With so much irrationality and firepower, someone is going to get hurt.

Wars in distant lands require pussy on demand. If you have seen the movie you know they are in a land that is distant. Like...on one of Jupiter's moons. Jupiter is, some would say, far away. We aren't talking about, "But the remote is in the kitchen," far away. We aren't talking about, "But China is on the other side of the planet," far away. We are talking about Jupiter, A DIFFERENT FUCKING PLANET. And if this aforementioned vagina is still on Earth, there are a lot of sacks that need to be castrated because there are at least three possible tragedies that may occur.

A-Those meatballs are going to go crazy and shoot their hambres,
B-Instead of killing the Na'vi, they're going to capture the native smurfs and use them as their underprivileged sex slaves, or
C-They are going to get much closer with their buddies.

"Horizontal refreshments," as the Civil War soldiers called them, are part of the wartime culture. Hoes boost morale. For example; India sent "female troops" to the border of Pakistan in 2009. These troops were later found to be prostitutes sent to boost moral because the soldiers were acting in "acute frustration and depression;" A Dutch mayor said a few years back that prostitutes should travel with the army; Ancient military brothels were present in Greek times; And hey, Nazi's LOVED prostitutes. Even though they lost they put up a hell of a fight! Why? Because they could focus on their mission instead of constantly thinking about sex.

So where are the prostitutes, acted by the beautiful Rachel McAdams and Rosario Dawson, in Avatar? Where is the filthy, drug ridden character that could have easily been snorted up by Lindsay Lohan? Oh, rehab? Hell, rehab would be a perfect place to shoot a scene involving nasty whores who have no self respect. Put the window, which has a green screen in it, in each shot and BOOM, you have a sex scene and a futuristic firefight going on outside. Money.
But this didn't happen in Avatar.

In fact, the lack of proper prostitution is the reason the ex-Marines lost their fight with the Na'vi. You see, Guard 1 was actually under cover and heard Jake Sully's plan to use the Hallelujah Mountain's natural interference capabilities for attack. He then radioed Guard 2, who after such a long break from intercourse activity was in the back room satisfying himself with an unused avatar body. Needless to say, he didn't hear the important message. By the time Guard 2 had released his load into the lifeless avatar's tummy the Army had lost their instruments to interference and were about to be surprised by a lot of pissed off smurfs on dino-birds.

That is why they should have brought along prostitutes. They would have been warned about the attack, Jake Sully's paralyzed body would have been dropped in the middle of the jungle as punishment, and they wouldn't have to travel six years back to earth.

Prostitutes would have saved the army and Jake Sully's story would not have to continue.

And besides, six years traveling in a cryogenic case will have your scrotum filled up with enough semen to fill a submarine. Or take out someone's eye. Nobody wants that kind of blood on their hands.

-Skitz

(I am unapologetic for the content in this post. Sorry to the family.)